Why I loath “Cougar Town”

Hurry Mrs. Arquette, the funny stuff is getting away!

ABC’s ‘racy’ comedy “Cougar Town” has one thing going for it, the timeslot.  The coveted “last half hour comedy slot before the drama” spot of 9:30 on Wednesday can either be used as an anchor to hold the prime-time together, or as a crutch to boost the numbers of a show that would otherwise die on its own, like a vet taking in a wounded animal and nursing it back to health.

So far this year, “Cougar Town” has been getting decent numbers, and even a Golden Globe and People’s Choice nod, but the premise of the show didn’t appeal to me as a viewer at all – Courtney Cox (Jules) plays a 40ish recently divorced woman in the ‘burbs trying to re-acclimate to the single life – so it quickly fell off my radar.  On Wednesday nights I do watch “The Middle” and “Modern Family” and if I didn’t DVR too far in the evening, on occasion I’d try out “Cougar Town”, just in case I was missing out on some comedic gem…but now I can go to sleep on Wednesdays knowing that I’m not missing out on anything.  Instead of just ignoring it and moving on (like such timeless crap as “Two and a Half Men” and “Parks and Recreation”) there was something disturbing about this show that kept me coming back several weeks in a row, and then I finally put my finger on it.  It SHOULD be funny.  All the ingredients are there, but it was missing something.  It’s like the creators of the show culled different facets of shows that really were funny and put them together assuming that it would work…but it’s the fast food version of fine dining.  Sure, you can get beef and horseradish at Arby’s, and you can get it at a fine dining establishment.  A list of ingredients look very similar, but you can’t compare a prime rib prepared at the hands of a master to a sandwich prepared while you wait.  There’s no love of the craft in an Arby’s burger.

So without further rambling, here’s what I hate about “Cougar Town”.

All the wit, all the time – funny writing is the key to a 30 minute comedy’s success…and the quick witty one liner is always a classic.  Go back and just listen to episodes of “M*A*S*H” or “Cheers” and hear the pace of the dialog.  It’s like listening to a baseball game.  The pitcher offers up lots of pitches…some are whiffed, some are bunted and every great once in a while they hit the sweet spot and the batter knocks it out of the park.  You need the whiffs and bunts to truly appreciate the homers.  The dialog of “Cougar Town” is all underhand.  Every line is a setup for a witty comeback, and it doesn’t matter who the batter is.  Each and every character in the show is armed with a razor sharp wit, and when the one-liners come that fast, they don’t mean as much.  If every game was a home run derby, it’d get boring quick, and that’s what the conversations in this show remind me of…attempts at getting laughs.  If just one or two characters had the razor sharp wit and the others were all just straight men it wouldn’t bother me as much, but if Woody and Coach on Cheers all the sudden were armed with dozens of zingers every episode, it would suck the life out of the dichotomy.

Now I know why Cougars eat their young – another major facet of a good comedy is the cast.  The main characters need other characters to feed off of, this creates tension and also creates an avenue to learn more about them as people.  What if everyone at the 4077 were best friends, and everyone was concerned about the feelings of everyone at the hospital.  No one would hit on Hot Lips because she should be treated as a person, not an object.  Pranks against Charles might (sniff, sniff) hurt is feelings.  Hell, what if Geoffrey on Fresh Prince really gave a damn about the Banks family?  Would that be funny?  Doubtful.  The cast is whittled down to just enough characters to highlight Cox’s character, and they all get along enough to support her.  Where’s the fun in that?  I thought the character of Grayson, her recently divorced neighbor who at first wanted nothing to do with Jules and her band of merry (wo)men might offer up the tension that the show needed, but now he’s been sucked into the Cougar Borg and offers nothing but attempts at funny lines and moral support. Will he and Jules hook up?  Who the hell cares, there’s hijinks to attend to!  The Torres family next door has a son, but he’s become the missing Cunningham child.  Why?  Jules doesn’t need him.  If she’s not going to do the bone dance with him and he’s not going to compliment her on her youthful ass or offer up fluff about her, he’s on the spit and served up at the next pool party.  Tension, people, we need it.  Lilith didn’t exist in two different successful comedies because she gave good hugs.

Single episodes do not a catch phrase make – now granted, I have not seen every single episode this season, so maybe I’m out of line, but of the ones I have caught, every week the cast offers up a new catch phrase, and then dumps it the following week.  If Lenny and Squiggy only offered up their goofy “Hello” when they entered a room for one week, would it be as recognized as it is today?  No way.  Is “gay trap” going to be on everyone’s tongue this summer?  Nope.  It worked for Seinfield, but it’s not going to work here.  Pick a couple of signature sayings or moves and stick with them.  Lay off the feedback from surveys and just do what’s funny.

Your viewers may be dumb, but not as dumb as you think – let’s face it, a 22 minute show doesn’t really have to be deep, give your audience some credit for a) remembering things that have happened in the past and b) figuring out things on their own.  Constantly repeating the relationships between the characters really isn’t necessary.  Even Blue’s freekin’ Clues assumes that the six month old kid remembers that Blue is a dog, and a pet.  You don’t need to go over it constantly.  Build your relationships and let it go.  Or, if you really do assume that your audience is brain dead, maybe save some precious time and have a Pop-Up Video type of assistance that points out how everyone relates to the others in the background while the characters prattle on about how much they like each other.

“Cougar Town” could be a really funny show if it stops trying to be “Friends” or “Scrubs” and blossoms on its own…but it seems too bogged down in formulas to even try and grow.  Will it succeed?  Probably.  I’m sure it’s got 3 or 4 years in it, but that doesn’t mean that it’s funny.  But if the Nielson numbers are right, the average American viewer is more interested in what ABC tells them is funny instead of thinking for themselves.  But be warned, the first time you see a ‘girl chest bump’ happen in real life, be sure to listen for another nail being hammered in the coffin of quality TV shows.  As for me, I’ll watch “The Middle” and “Modern Family” on Wednesday nights, but that’s all you’re getting out of me.  I learned a long time ago (thanks to Must See TV) that just because shows are lumped together does not mean they’re all the same caliber.  Sometimes the network has to serve you some crap with your platter just to get it out of the kitchen.

Tags: ABC, Cougar Town, Courtney Cox, TV, TV that sucks