Dracula's Dirty Daughter
 Dixon Bawls  rates it:    Community rates it: (no ratings yet)
   138 of 283 readers found this review helpful.

If there ever was a time I should’ve been called to do casting, this was it. If you are ever in doubt, call old Dixon in and I’ll come up with some changes, making a worthy flesh flick for the masses. First thing that needed to be done was to stick the one hot chick you got and put her in the lead role. Next, hire some strippers for the muff diving scenes instead of some of your not so attractive friends. Get the hire-a-whores all coked up and let them loose. This movie had some funny writing and some drunken good times, but for the most part, it was somewhat gross.

I gave it a noble effort and made my editors proud. I got rip-roaring drunk and made a go at a movie I would’ve never watched unless it was assigned. This movie did get some things right. In the first scene they got their most chub spank-able chick naked and got you ready for some good times. My beer soaked mind thought “This is Dracula’s dirty daughter and she is going to get nasty.” Was I right? Hell no. The hot broad is the sister of the reincarnated dude that kills Dracula. Go figure. Dracula’s sister, not daughter (as mentioned in the title and I’ll tell you now, there is no daughter), has been hunting this ass-wipe down for centuries and found him to enact her revenge. Now, back to the hot chick, she is some weirdo that likes to watch Goth girls-gone-wild get it on for no plot-attached reason. I would never complain or call a girl a weirdo for liking this kind of business, if the Goth girls are hot, but they are not.

The plot is pretty simple, but they drag it out so you get the bang for your buck. Dracula’s sister, named Vamparina(I didn’t make this up), moves in with some college dudes so she can set up camp and find some wannabe lesbos to do her bidding. This is where the flick gets all the laughs. The two guys that she moves in with are funny and are always watching bestiality videos. This is awesome and gets a head nod for some fun-loving originality. The two beer-soaked roommates are the only reason this movie moves or gets any laughs, so I hope the director gave them first dibs on pizza at the cast parties. The black roommate with the dangly earring is hands down the one and only talent in the mix, giving the viewer some amusement between the fast forward-able sex scenes. The plot is mud until the end. Then it turns into a half-assed horror flick with blood sucking that sounds like someone biting into an apple. The vampire whore gang’s make-up is straight up “Ziggy Stardust,” making me want to disco dance until my pants fell off.

I hope that anyone who buys this movie is a friend of the cast. I hope the only people that rent it are serious b-flick watchers, prepared for nothing but a super low budget skin flick. I also hope that if you want to watch this, you are completly ripped and don’t give a shit. 1 can out of 5, and rent only if the video store is your second stop after you bought your keg. Don’t forget directors, if you need someone to weed out the skanks give me an e-mail, I’m willing to work for any beer more than 6 bucks per 6 pack.

Added:  Monday, March 03, 2008

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