Diary of a Cannibal
 Dixon Bawls  rates it:    Community rates it:
   204 of 396 readers found this review helpful.

Have you ever really wanted a movie to be super cool and keep pulling for it to get better? Well I hung on for almost 45 minutes until I was yelling at the screen wishing the DVD understood how much it sucked. I wish the DVD itself felt shame so I could spit on its shiny surface and blame it for all the world’s ills. This movie had the potential to be a real underdog, the story had all the right ingredients and the main actors (Trevor Parsons and Jillian Swanson) also had great potential. This movie fell flat on its ass and never had a chance to get up.

I lay all the blame on the director Ulli Lommel for this bore fest. This film could have been 10 minutes long and maybe have been a decent short film. Ulli took maybe 4 different shot scenes and sliced, diced, and slo-moed the shit out of them and added one of the most ear splitting backing music to make a giant crap cake. My main beef was seeing the same scene over and over and wondering where the dialog was. This story needed lots of the characters interacting so you could understand why this girl wanted to eat this dude or how the charismatic guy talked the girl into killing him and barbecuing his balls.

From what I could find in this plot, the couple found each other on the internet and fell madly in love. From here on it’s me guessing but I think the guy wanted the girl to eat him so that they would always be together. The girl agreed and they ventured off for the final act of love. This is it folks, that’s all this movie has.

The doctor and the cops that interrogated the girl were way over acted and left giant holes in the plot that never got filled, like when did the cops rush in to find the macabre feast? The girl’s all wrapped up in the hospital-because why?

Now for the one bright spot that I found, the girl wanders off to go to the corner store for groceries and runs into this dude who was covered head to toe in tattoos and tells her how he got all of them. This was just a random accident that happened when they where shooting the movie and turned out to be the highlight, how sad. Something else that bothered me was when the girl left to go to the store she left the grill running. Who is that irresponsible?

This movie sucked, I would not recommend seeing it under any circumstance and can’t really compare it to anything else I have seen. Please don’t rent or buy this movie and maybe collectively we can send a message to the studio not to let things like this happen again. I give this disaster ½ a can out of 5 only because there was a nude scene.

Added:  Sunday, April 15, 2007
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