Hillside Cannibals
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Hills + Cannibals = HILLSIDE CANNIBALS. Nuff’ said. The title says it all folks. What are my thoughts of the film? Well, you may guess from my lack of dramatic build up here in the first paragraph that I do not have much to say. Normally I thoroughly enjoy Leigh Slawner’s films, but here I was let down. I calls them as I sees them folks, and I calls this one boring.

A group of college looking adults, oops it turns out that they are 17 going on 18, take a spelunking trip in the middle of the desert. After setting up camp and lighting a fire they do what any young group in the middle of the desert would do; they drink and fool around while the stoner sits in the corner getting high. We’ve all been there. Two of the group head off to has some “alone time”. There they get all sappy with love. I think I even heard one of the two say “You complete me.” I could be wrong.

While they are away in come the Hillside Cannibals. Screams are heard and the two love birds rush in to find their friends dead and the cannibals going to town. Of course the jock boyfriend rushes in to fight the five or so armed, freaky looking cannibals with….his fists. (Good call chief.)

He of course gets captured and our red haired heroine runs for help. She catches up with either a park ranger, or sheriff. She takes him to the caves where all the bloodshed took place and find…..no bloodshed. Who knew these cannibals could be so tidy? He is going to take her to the station since he knows all about her (?), and her foster parents are worried. She escapes to go look for her boyfriend. (Remember, he completes her).

The boyfriend gets tortured, she breaks in while they are all asleep and they make a run for it. He’s hurt so again he tells her to go for help. Guess what happens next? He gets caught. She goes looking for help again, finds a man who is out to kill the cannibals, breaks in the cave again, breaks her boyfriend out, and he gets caught again. I have never seen a more worthless series of events since Danny Glover’s character in SAW.

I am done. I cannot go on anymore. The heroine in this film is so ridiculously stupid that I was praying for her to get toasted on a rotisserie by the cannibals. Do I not understand a love so strong that one will do anything to save his/her loved one, even if this means battling a cave full of cannibals? DAMN STRAIGHT I DON’T! If my fiancé got captured by some man eating cannibals I would attempt one rescue. One only if I stood a fighting chance. If it fails, hell I tried and I will have to work my way onto the dating scene. I’d have no problem sleeping at night. (Honey, if you are reading this, add this scenario to the blue eyed Asian and Angelina Jolie reason for why our marriage would break up.)

Now let’s talk about the cannibals. I’m not quite sure how long these smelly homeless people have lived in their cave, but they sure don’t wear old clothes. I was expecting a more dirty rotten animal carcass wear. Something from the fall collection line. How many people actually travel into the middle of nowhere anyways?

Excuse me. Are those Bugle Boy Jeans you are wearing?

They just did not seem to exhibit any terror or tension. They talked like Ringo Starr in CAVEMAN, and looked just as menacing. Hell, one cannibal had her legs shaved. Run a comb in her hair, and I think I’ve dated her before.

One good thing is that the gore is here and nicely done. We get quite a few of the money shots needed in a movie like this. Throat cuts, torso separations, finger slicing, skinnings, it’s all here. That’s one thing that you can rely on with Leigh Slawner films. When he wants gore, we get gore done well.

The biggest crime that a horror movie could commit for me is to be boring, and I am sorry to say that this was very boring. There is really no plot, and it starts to get repetitive and tedious. Even throwing in the TEXAS CHAINSAW slight twist, I sat back and watched people run in and out of the cave, listen to “cannibal talk”, and daydream about me and that fine young cannibal with the shaved legs.

Added:  Monday, April 10, 2006
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