Santa's Slay
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I love the Christmas holiday. Lights, tinsel, ugly sweaters; it’s great. I love buying gifts for my fiancé, because that always buys me points for the following year. I tend to burn through my points by the next Christmas, so I always go big. (I’m a giver). The one thing that tops all that though, is curling up next to the flaming dumpster, and watching holiday themed horror movies. Sure “Silent Night/Deadly Night”, “Black Christmas”, and “Santa Claws” are all good, but there is one that is always in my DVD player. Of course I’m talking about “Jack Frost”. Not the lame ass Keaton family film, but the killer snowman cheese fest. This movie will always be a classic.

I bring all this up for a reason. Recently a movie landed on your fellow horror movie reviewer’s desk that caught my eye. The movie is called “Santa’s Slay”, and it stars ex-WWE wrestler Bill Goldberg, as the hulking Santa. Oh, the possibilities are endless, I thought. Did I have a new movie to watch every Christmas? Has another taken over as my new holiday classic? As I sat back and watched the movie, I realized that it looks like this Christmas will be spent watching “Jack Frost” again.

The story is a clever one, I’ll give the writers that much. Mary and Joseph had Jesus. Well, on the same night Satan had Santa. Yes, Santa is Satan’s son. Every holiday Santa would go on a mayhem fest, spreading holiday fear! Get it?!? HOLIDAY FEAR! More on that later….

One night while Santa is picking on some poor elves, an angel comes down and disguises himself as old man. He challenges Santa to a game of curling. (These were done before curling was invented, so it was just sliding rocks near a hole.) If the angel wins, then Santa will be kind to all for a thousand years or so. If Santa wins then he gets the old man’s soul. Of course the angel wins and Santa is the Santa we all know and love. Well kiddies, his bet is over and he has some carnage to make up. This is all told in the movie ala Rudolph puppetry.

Personally, I thought the story was quite clever. Seeing a muscle-bound Santa tear through the chimney, and killing people in Christmas ways was hilarious. This was to be my new holiday movie. As the movie kept playing, my views changed drastically.
The movie started out on a high note, with appearances by Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher and even James Caan getting attacked by a crazy Santa brought a great big holiday cheer smile on my face. Then the movie went downhill fast. The problems with the movie were two things.

1.It wants to be funny, but is not.
2.Santa’s killings get boring, and pointless

The issue with the humor in this movie was that it tried waaaaaay too hard. If this kept itself straight faced, then this could have been a cult classic. Hell, I laughed my ass of at the opening scene, but it ruined all this with it’s fart joke humor. Oh yes folks, fart jokes. Grandpa farts, while walking in front of his grandson, and his grandson smells it. HAHAHAHAHAHA……sorry, not funny. The issue was that this movie didn’t know what it was. Was it slapstick, campy horror, or just stupid? In all reality it was all of the above. I would have preferred the campy horror, but would have been happy if it just at least chose only one, then went with it. We do get some holiday one liners by Santa which was nice. I wish I could take that “Holiday Fear” line as my own, but it is an example of the wit of Santa. Sadly though, this movie could not decide what it wanted to be, and all came crashing down at the end.

The second issue was with Santa’s killing. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Let’s get one thing straight real quick; I am all for senseless killings in a horror movie. That is not my issue. Just have a point to them, or a theme. Let me give you an example. A thug is walking by a Santa ringing a bell for the Salvation Army. Many people are walking by to put money into the bucket. The thief goes to rob Santa, and surprise!!! It is the real Santa!! He kills the thug in broad daylight, and no one seems to notice this, even though you can see some extras standing in the shot. Also, what the hell was he doing raising money for the Salvation Army?
Another example is when Santa goes into a stripclub. Why? Well, I guess Misses Claus doesn’t have her figure anymore. He walks in and kills everyone. Ok……
Again, the townsfolk don’t seem to care. When it comes to the police, they are the slapstick, and stupid humor. It is so painful to watch. There are some great death scenes, albeit cheesy as hell, but just no reason for some. If Santa is the son of Satan, then he should be going on a rampage, and taking everyone in the town out. Hell, even two children die, in a semi funny moment. (The scene is ruined of course by this movie’s idea of sense of humor.)

Overall I wish I could recommend this movie for a definite rental. Instead, with it not being able to decide what it wanted to be, it’s pacing, and ridiculously unfunny humor, I can’t. I may watch it again this holiday, instead of watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the millionth time, but rent at your own risk. There are a few laugh-out-loud moments, but not enough to warrant a purchase, and barely enough to warrant a rental. It sets itself up for a sequel, so let’s hope the next holiday season is better. I give this movie a disappointed 2 cans.

Added:  Monday, October 17, 2005

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