Here on Earth
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I hate getting suckered into a chick flick. There’s nothing quite like that feeling of helplessness when you’re 20 minutes into what seemed like a decent movie, then BAM! The fun’s over and it’s onto the “puppies make me happy” and “you complete me” nonsense.

Don’t get me wrong, I dig a romantic comedy every once in a while. “50 First Dates”, “I Love You to Death”, that one sitcom with Jamie Lee Curtis and Richard Lewis (was it called “Anything But Love”?). These I like.

“Here on Earth” came across as just an attempt to make people cry and make men in the real world look like insensitive assholes (overweight ones at that).

Here’s how I got pulled in:

Small hick town neighbors a well-to-do college. College Boys drive into town to grab a milkshake. The Alpha College Boy hits on hick town waitress. Hick boyfriend of said waitress talks some smack to Alpha College Boys. Some insults and a car chase follows, and ends in some destruction of personal property and a big fire.

Sweet! If the whole movie’s like this, I can dig it!

But no. That was merely “Scraps bait” to get the hook in my cheek. Reel ‘em in, you’ve got a big one on the line.

After a decent beginning, the movie spiraled downward, but painfully slowly.

You see, to make restitution for his role in burning down the restaurant, Alpha has to help rebuild it (so much for this great “Southern Justice” I’ve heard so much about). In a fun little twist, he has to live with the family of hick boyfriend, where he can brood and being around townies all day while still wooing waitress (yes, the characters had names, but it’s easier if I don’t think of them as people).

Alright, so we’ve got a love triangle with 18 year olds. I might still get some fighting, or at least some revenge. But no…the rod bends, the reel continues to turn, and Scraps is as good as on-ice by now.

In an unprecedented (that’s sarcasm for those of you playing at home) move, Waitress has cancer. Great. Now townie can move out of the way without looking like a wuss. So much for my fight scenes.

Okay, maybe I’m being a bit rough, this wasn’t a horrible movie by any means, but it certainly wasn’t something that I’d watch again. Chris Klein and Josh Hartnett were decent in their roles, as far as playing two dimensional characters goes. The female lead, however, left a lot to be desired. Leelee Sobieski.

**oddly enough, I looked up “leelee” in Latin, and it means “smaller less-talented Helen Hunt lookalike”**

Her romantic scenes were about as sensual as making Jello, and I think she swapped accents a few times. I just don't understand why everyone is so crazy over her. Maybe it's just a matter of personal taste. I like the 'girl next door look', some of you are into the 'flat chested over acting' thing. To each his own I say.

Like I said, I’m not a heartless bastard, and there are movies in this genre that I can recommend, this just isn’t one of them. There was a fire, and a short little car chase, so I’ll bump it up to two cans. Unless you’re a diehard romantic, or REALLY need to get laid, leave this one at the rental place.

Added:  Monday, July 04, 2005

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